Got a million things on my mind. It’s 5:17am as I start writing this. It will be much later when I’m done. Don’t believe a word I say. It’s only true when it’s being said, when it’s being written. After that it immediately becomes a lie. Like the past in general. Memories only exist because we hold on them in our thoughts.
So where do I start?
About 6 weeks ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started taking mood stabilisers, slowly working my way up to the full 200mg dose which starts today. So it doesn’t actually work until now and we’ll see how it goes. I still think borderline personality disorder fits my predicament better.
As usual, the psychiatrist who made the diagnoses didn’t ask me much at about what I eat, do or anything really about my lifestyle. I think nutrition plays a bigger role in our healths and even emotions, moods, etc than we give it credit for. Everything plays it’s part of course. Life is holistic. That said, it seems to me that no matter what I do, my brain chemistry is doing its own thing.
But I still have this hope that if I really changed my lifestyle, things would be better. That would however mean changing everything. Starting completely over somewhere. Doing something else. New identity. Abandoning my music, my family, my friends, my memories. Everything. Finding new people to be lonely with.
I don’t know. On paper, things are looking good. Last week I even wrote about having a good mood and joking what is wrong with me. I tend to generalise my moods. I always think that whatever mood I’m in will last forever and has always been. It’s hard to think back to how I felt before.
The last 3 days have been quite bad. And it seems there’s nobody I can express this to. Nobody understands. It’s a burden to tell someone that you feel like invisible cats are torturing you while falling a million miles an hour through a nightmare. I’ve once again self-medicated myself with alcohol to take the edge away; the crippling anxiety. And to help me avoid my negative thought trains which tell me on repeat “it’s all falling apart, the end is beginning, etc, etc”. It helps only while the drug lasts. Also tried valium but anti-anxiety meds don’t seem to work for me anymore.
What about krishna?
Have a friend in helsinki who used to be a zen monk. He recently devoted himself to Hare Krishna. I’ve followed Markus Uku Laitinen’s story with great interest since we met at a zen gathering in 2010. One of the most humble and sincere people I have ever met. A family man. No drugs, no alcohol. Studies comparative religion. We had our differences. Sometimes even in public. After myself, he’s certainly one of the most interesting human beings I’ve come across.
I asked him the other day “Markus, after all your experiences and pursuing different paths, have you found inner peace?” He said yes and then we talked about it more. Finding god. Surrendering to that. But how I asked? And what is this god that people surrender to, that creator of all things. The god that I have never been able to believe in. I almost did recently. It’s like I am so close but I just can’t take that final step.
The thing I need to do the most is also the things I am seemingly most incapable of doing.
Surrendering.
Putting down my weapons. My armour.
Once and for all.
But where do I begin?
And love.
For me the “I love you” kind of love means simply appreciation and liking someone on a very deep level. Romantic love. Our language is so ‘dividing’. Even John Mayer had a song on his previous album called “Love is A Verb”. I don’t think it is a verb at all. Love is a singularity. But then again, there different kinds of love. The love you believe in, and the love I believe in.
I think there is a bigger picture when it comes to love. My hare krishna devotee friend tells me that god is love. Same thing. Again, intellectually I get it. Love is that which connects all. The unifying spirit of all life. So that’s what is meant by god. Got it. So love is not something to do or have or even be. Love just… is.
Again, this is all just concepts to me. I read books that seem great when I’m reading them, thinking I’ve discovered something new to help me on my path.
But whatever I do, I am left with these early morning hours thinking to myself the same things.
What the hell is going on?
Who the hell am I?
What am I even doing here?
Why can’t I just accept life and be happy?
I even know the answers.
Maybe i am asking the wrong questions.
Maybe I don’t know anything.
To suffer or to surrender?
Or to surrender to suffering?
I’m done for now.
31 minutes.
Whew, what a relief.
Hope you enjoyed the ride.
– MN
