It’s Halloween. Saturday night. Evening is kicking in. People are getting ready. Excited to see their friends. Go out. Get drunk. Look good. Dance. Flirt. Fuck. Fight. Drink. Eat McDonalds. Meet people. Wrestle with bouncers. Argue with their jealous boyfriends and drown their insecurities in the deep dark ocean of drugs and alcohol. The modern mating ritual. To me it’s just a glorified and accepted form of prostitution of the soul. Dirty lies, petty games, plastic smiles, and fake fun. I have an extremely hard time seeing the art or beauty in any of it. Since I’m an artist, you can surely understand my dilemma.
Man, I’ve done that so many times. What an easy way to escape reality. Believe it or not but for 6 months this year, I didn’t do any of that. Then I just got pulled back into it. Last night I had this moment in the bar we were at. I was just thinking how I don’t belong here. Even my so called friends suddenly felt like strangers to me. I just wanted to go home. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I left without saying anything to anybody. Shut off my phone. Grabbed some junk food along the way. Walked home (I live in the city centre). I came home. Put on Mew’s latest album and fell asleep.
You know what i want? What I really want? I want to be quiet and stop talking to everybody. I find this really hard to do. I hide myself behind these bullshit conversations and opinions and saying stuff I don’t even want to say. I am so tired of talking. I would rather just sing and write. Talking gets me into trouble. Words are dangerous when spoken out loud. Talking bullshit. When I write, i don’t write bullshit. When I sing, i sing my lyrics and poetry. I mean it all. When I talk, the words become meaningless. Silence is much more powerful because people have no idea what is going inside my head. This would give my music much more meaning and listeners would be much more intrigued. I will try to do it. I know it won’t be easy because I’ve tried a million times. This time though, I really want to just shut the hell up and be alone. I’ll appear only when I have to. Then disappear again.
I can’t wait for the next decade to start. It feels fresh. 2010. It sounds so beautiful to me. I want to completely recreate myself.
I also want to avoid people as much as possible. They cause me too much pain. The people I do want to spend time with: I love June who is a girl I met online 3 years ago. We have only communicated through written word. We have our own little world. It’s quite a place. Then there is Joe who I met in Denver when I was travelling in the States in 2007. He’s a great man. Of course my cousin has been there for my whole life. He is 5 years older than me but it’s never really mattered. I consider him to be more like my big brother than my cousin. He is a very quiet and reserved guy but I am just myself and can be at ease when we are hanging out. He is also the only person I know who loves music like me and he’s not even a musician.
My focus is getting stronger again. My apartment is so calm right now. I feel peaceful although I know there are guns blazing around and people killing, raping and treating each other like dirt.
The irony just hit me that today should be about getting dressed up in some costume. i feel like I have removed my costume. Once and for all. We’ll see about that…
I also decided to start believing in god (or acknowledging a belief that has always been) while sitting on the crapper today. But my god and not anybody else’s. For most people religion means belonging more than believing. I don’t want to belong. What is god? I certainly know what it’s not. It’s not an answer to questions you can’t answer. God is seeing the beauty of truth. Seeing reality for what it really is. That is god. There have been very few people in history who have truly believed in god and who have been truly religious or spiritual.
earlier…
Here we go again.
What can I say? I need an outlet.
I need to release my thoughts. I’ve come to the conclusion that nobody really understands me… my friends, my family, the people around me live in some other reality. There are only a few people I know, who see the real me and understand. There’s actually three: Joe, June and my cousin Aki. There’s a lyric in Brothers In Arms by Dire Straits: “we have just one world, but we live in different ones”. That sums my worldview quite well.
Right now I’m in this weird state of mind. I’ve got my iPod on shuffle. I feel depressed. Almost suicidal. But the thing is, I like feeling like this. I just feel comforted somehow. I am not trying to be anybody. I’m just myself. Not pretending. Not taking shit from anybody.
I’m very unsatisfied with my life right now. I’m in the friggin’ gutter spiritually. I got no extra money to buy anything or do anything. My credit card is almost maxed out. I’ve been lucky to never have to be financially fucked. I have always had a cushion to fall back on. I’ve previously relied too much on my dad for money. Sure, I’m a musician who can always make money but in the last three months since moving to Helsinki I’ve decided to stop playing gigs and I’ve only lived off savings. I’m also getting money from the government. I no longer want to borrow money from anybody. Most people don’t like the fact that I steal their tax money. I just tell them that they are supporting the system they live in by paying their taxes. I’m supporting it’s downfall because if everybody did what I did, socialism would be over. Basically, I’m doing everything I can to not have to work. I hate working. I hate supporting a system I don’t believe in. I’m a capitalist more than a socialist although I think both systems are out of date.
The band I currently play in is called Awe. Basically it’s just me and Peter who plays the drums. I play everything else. We got some songs done and we even got a few hundred cds pressed but they are still waiting for us to get picked up at the delivery service. I’m really proud of the songs we recorded. But I really want to record more. We need to get a rehearsal space so we can start playing and working on the live set. I don’t want to play any live shows until next year and until there is more demand for them from our fans which we hope to get more of with these songs. At least we have something…it’s a good place to start. The problem now is that today while walking, I changed my vision of what I want the band to be for me. I’ll have to talk about this with my band mate. I really think we can become a successful band if we stick with it. It’s just really frustrating to not have money to take things forward more quickly.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I’m just not interested in the girls here. I actually hate this city. They should add an extra L to the name Helsinki, then it would be more accurate. I’m also not in anyway proud that i’m Finnish. Basically, I want to get the hell out of here as soon as I can. I want to live in the US. I don’t really have much interest in going anywhere else. I’m too tired to explain my reasons for this now. I just want to be an American because I feel like I am one. Everyone who is an American is from everywhere. It’s a shame most Americans don’t see the beauty in that. I wish everyone in the world could just say they are from everywhere. I can’t stand nationalism or patriotism in any form. Or racism for that matter.
It pisses me off when people think they know me. You don’t know me. Nobody knows me. I don’t know me. Fuck off. Leave me alone.
I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m overly happy tomorrow. I think I suffer from some kind of psychological disorders like manic depression or bipolar thingy. I’ve been meaning to go see a shrink but i’ve just always been putting it off. Maybe next week. For the first time, I feel like I could use some drugs besides the ones i’ve been using now like junk food, alcohol, cigarettes and whatever other crap this corrupted society stuffs down our throats.
If you are trying to reach me and wondering why my phone is shut, it’s because I don’t want to talk to anybody right now. NO, I don’t give a shit about you.
Now, if I could gather the balls to post this and stop being such a mama’s boy about everything. I am going to keep my blog private this time so the “you” i’m referring to is often me.