Sep 24, 2009

having our own funerals before we die.
This one is to all my friends out there in the world. I have been getting some emails from people lately who I haven’t heard from in awhile. It seems quite odd that all of them have come in the last week or so. I think the reason is that I have made myself more available to them and also reminding them that I exist. But it’s nice that people apologize for not being in touch more when I feel that is exactly what my fault has been.
I really miss some people I connected with. I also miss those moments where we would shine. You notice the beauty in these moments a long time after they have happened. They might be stupid and silly stuff and seem meaningless but those are the best ones!
I think the connection between two human beings when it happens is something special. All the stuff like money, health, work, fame, love (the cheap kind), religion, fashion and what makes up most of our daily lives in the end means nothing compared to real human relationships. I have also learned that getting too intimate with someone or dating/relationships (and so-called love) can ruin many good friendships. It’s a dangerous road to take and at least for me, has been very costly at times. Really good friends have turned into ex-girlfriends and I’ve always had a problem with staying in touch with ex-girlfriends because the “ex” represents failure to me somehow. Of course there are exceptions to the rule and of course there is the possibility of throwing this stupid rule into the compost bin.
It’s funny how we latch on to certain people everywhere we go. Some people just “get” each other. I mean sure, I am confident enough in my social abilities that I can talk to anybody and develop some sort of connection if the other is willing to let me in enough (if I’m in a good mood, that is). But why do we form real friendships with 0.000001% of all the people we meet? I have also observed two interesting facts: 1) we don’t always become great friends with great friends of our great friends & 2) sometimes we become better friends with the friends we meet through our existing friends than our existing friends actually are with those friends. Haha, sounds complicating…just think about it, it’s true. It’s the same as not always liking the music that your friends like (and sometimes liking it more).
I thought I was good at being alone. Sometimes I even thought that I don’t need anybody or that there is nothing more special about connecting with another human being than with a tree or a fish or a grasshopper. But there is something special in humans connecting because a human being is capable of connecting and being aware of that connection on a level like no other living organism that we know of. Of course we are not the only gregarious species but it would be a huge understatement to not give due credit to the fact that our success on this planet has been hugely because of our willingness to cooperate, share and be efficient as a social group. Yes, we have also been ruthlessly opportunistic quite often along with other successful species like rats and raccoons. Survival & success, nevertheless.
So I have never really been alone. Sure, I am not that dependent on relying on other people to kill the time. Sometimes I think people are so desperate to do anything they can to not be alone. In the end, I think they are scared of being with themselves, knowing that there is nowhere to hide. But even people that are alone often hide from themselves be it through books, films, drugs, creating, work, etc. Thinking that you’re good at being alone may just be an unwillingness to admit that you’re lousy at being with people and forming relationships.
The title of this post deserves an explanation. I think the saddest possible moment in life is not the actual funeral of someone close and the grievance associated with it but the fact that that is often the only moment in life when everybody who even slightly cares about that person (or who care about people who care about that person) are gathered together and all without the person who everybody is gathered for. Just imagine you being the person everybody is grieving together over and remembering you but never knowing it. Your death will be an invitation to the greatest party you will never get to attend.
I have realized lately how really lucky I am to have some really good friends. Some of them are close to me now (geographically speaking) and I intend to really make sure that I don’t take this for granted. Some of them are far away but luckily we have this modern means of communication; the internet with facebook, emails, etc. It could be much worse. We could be even lonelier than we are.
Speaking of facebook, I used to really hate it (until today) because I always felt people replaced real relationships with online ones. They spend more time ’secretly’ viewing their friends photos, reading their interactions with other people, putting all these fancy things on their pages. All this is still true to a certain degree. I’m just saying that if everybody spent even half of that time concentrating on the real world stuff, things might be a bit better for everybody. I still get these friend requests from people who I accept but never hear from…why bother? If you are interested in my life, at least take the time to say hello. Is it really that hard?
But there is something that e.g. Facebook does that seems quite challenging for many people (including myself) to do otherwise; keeping in touch with people who are far away from you (and even people who aren’t far away). People are more willing to send an email through Facebook than by basic email. I think it has something to do with feeling more close to them when you can read their profile and see their photos which reminds us of the moments we once shared. I admit, I prefer the basic email because it just seems more personal.
I am done hating Facebook, at least for the time being. Then again, knowing me…I might be in a bad mood tomorrow morning and delete every little trace of me on the internet that I can. I think I might finally have this personality error in control… A thought: perhaps the people who hate facebook – and this may just as well be directed at myself – are scared or insecure about their willingness to open up to the world (sort of what I wrote about people who “like” being alone). If you are friendless and lonely, get out of your head. There are no excuses or anyone to blame. Move to a different country, quit your job, get a divorce, change your last name, rob a bank, do whatever it takes. Learn to fly.
I am overwhelmed because I want to reply to all my friends who have sent me long emails lately and tell them how much they mean to me and how much I miss them. If I could, I would have a party somewhere where all of you could just come and we could all meet each other and drink champagne, listen to music, look at photos, sit in a hottub through the chilly early morning hours and then go share our exuberant collective happiness and have the biggest breakfast buffet ever in a nice little diner somewhere in the middle of nowhere. And I accept that it would also ultimately demand of us to say our goodbyes and lie to each other that we’ll see each other again soon and stay in touch more often. All things must pass.
It saddens me that this might never happen until we are all gone. But it also brings a spark to my step to know that one day it just might be possible. Hopefully, before we are gone. It’s arrogant to say that time is on our side just because we are still young.
I am no longer angry at anybody for anything (at least I’m trying not to be). If you are a friend, ex-girlfriend, audience member, secret admirer, or fascinated with my long golden locks that I no longer have (but which I am growing back!) or whoever might be reading this, don’t hesitate to write to me or comment on this blog if you want to. You can even contact me through Facebook. A close friend from America wrote to me that he feels more close to his friends than his “family” which is a statement I can definitely relate with. An orphan can have the tightest family if he finds the right friends.
I’m off to the gym now!