I am once again in my depressive state.
Why am I living?
Listening to M83 Saturdays=Youth.
Why did it turn out like this for me?
I almost feel like the world would be a better place without me.
I am losing hope.
And that is the only thing that has kept me alive recently and pulled me back from these intense states of depression.
But I always feel like this is the one that I don’t come back from.
I only go more down.
The darkness will cover me completely.
Then I will lose it all.
I am now a vegan.
I care too much about animals and people and earth.
This must mean there is still goodness inside of me.
Things are just really fucked up.
My head is so messed up.
I need help.
But I can’t afford it.
If I did have money i would probably buy drugs instead anyway.
That is such an easy way to let go and have fun.
This is certainly no fun.
All the exercise, healthy food does not help me.
But that is not an excuse to start killing innocent animals.
I would rather kill the people that kill the animals.
They deserve to die.
And the ones that let it happen.
That is a lot of people I want to die.
I wish people would care about this more.
Or care about me.
Or even try to care.
I have nobody to even let care.
Everytime I tell me girlfriend I am depressed I say something to make her feel like shit and then she doesn’t care about be anymore.
I hate her.
Fuck this shit.
I wish I had money to go get drunk.
Drink myself to death.
I wanna quit music.
2009 I wanna start completely again.
New person.
The old Markus dies.
I wanna change my name.
I want a new life.
This life is pathetic.
Everyone I know is pathetic.
I am a disgrace.
I wanna die.