I am sitting in my room. A week ago my manager gave me a great piece of advice. He said “Imagine if you didn’t speak for three years, you kept everything to yourself. All your opinions, your darkness, your light. Instead of talking about it, you get to sing about it. How much more weight would that give your words that you sing? If everything you had to say about anything came through only in your songs.”
It is exactly what I need to do. Of course you can take it as literally as he said but basically to talk about nothing with high meaning to people is all I have to do. I have tried doing this and although it’s been hard at first, I think i’m getting better.
The truth is I don’t really want to talk to anybody anyway. The people I live with are just average people who are able to enjoy a boring mundane life. They work during the week and drink on the weekend. Just like everybody else. That is okay for them. I am not here to judge them or tell them how weak they are.
I watched the first season of a show called Dexter. It is about a serial killer who is a cop and has to hide his true self from everybody. Although I am not a serial killer, I really identify with the main character in the show. Am I a sociopath? Why am I so different? Why is it so hard for me to take part in the boring and mundane life that most people live? Some might say it is not their choice but why am I any different? Has something happened to me earlier in life to make me feel so cut off from the rest of the world? I pretend to care about the world and feel sympathy for those who suffer but do I just do it because I don’t really feel anything myself so I use that to feel at least something? I do have a conscience (I think) but in the end I am only conscience about hurting myself.
I have started working out and it feels good. Although I suspect I may have traded one addiction to another (alcohol to gym) at least it is a good addiction because it will help me stay focused and go forward. I want to be in the best physical condition I can be. I don’t care if it’s not rock n roll. I think “rock n roll” is a bullshit term anyway. I don’t represent any one genre with my music. I am an artist. I create without having to fit into any kind of box.
There is a person inside who wants to go to the self destruction state of mind again. I have to fight it so it will go away. Maybe i’ll just ignore it. There is so much stuff going on in my head. I am afraid that if it gets all quiet and I find peace inside, I will lose my artistry. What would I do then?
Time to watch a movie to get my mind off things.