Last night I was on Estonian national tv.
We took part in this song/singing competition where the winner goes on to a bigger competition called Eurovision.
You can watch our performance here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bBrrD4C-CM
For the last month or so, I did some interviews (radio, tv, magazines) where they asked me what I though of all this and I really tried to keep my answers fairly diplomatic.
We also had a few rehearsals before the actual show so the producers could comment on our stage performance, give us advice, etc.
They told us we are too shy, that we should look more happier, smile, look into the camera more and they even wanted me to speak their native language which I don’t speak at all and actually have zero interest in learning. I hate languages, I think everyone should just speak english. I’m all for a universal language (like in science), a universal culture (like in art) that goes beyond tradition and nationality.
The advice they gave us were apparently some of the keys to succeeding in this competition and getting the vote of the public and judges.
Although I didn’t exactly comply to their suggestions, I made a few compromises because my bandmates kind of agreed with them. The world was against me I felt, as usual. I felt alone, as usual.
I kept on saying that we should just do our thing, fuck what anybody says. I really wanted to tell them to go fuck themselves and that I just want to make music. Do things my own way. This is art. This is how I express myself. They said I looked angry. I told them it’s not anger but intensity. Besides, what’s wrong with anger? I grew up as a huge Metallica fan. Are you gonna tell Metallica in the 80s to make happy music? Why do we have to condemn certain emotions?
This is what makes me feel sick to my stomach about the western “American” way of life. Not because of the people individually but because of the blind obsession with looks, status, celebrity, youth, consumption, happiness and superficiality that most people reflect in their values and behavior. Our culture relies upon these values. Such obsessions are in my opinion futile.
If anything, we need more anger. I am never surprised when someone goes on a shooting spree. People cry over the loss of innocent life.
Innocent life is what sells hamburgers in McDonalds.
Innocent life is what the cigarette companies rely upon for profit.
This is the kind of malevolent behavior that is inherent in our current social system.
But again, I tried to be diplomatic with how I conducted myself to the media (although furious inside). I thought i’d ride out this new experience and see what I can learn from it. I knew that when dealing with other people, compromises must be made. But like Janis Joplin once said, we should never ever compromise ourselves. I have no idea what that even means anymore. What is a self? There is no such thing.
So last night was the semi-finals where 10 bands out of 20 go on to the finals. Our performance was pre-recorded from the previous week so we didn’t actually see it until it was live. We just had to sit pretty for 3 hours and wait for the results.
We didn’t make it through.
I was at the same time kind of bitter about it, but also relieved.
Everyone wanted to go out and celebrate their victory/loss. They congratulated each other.
I just went home.
The truth is, I have always despised Eurovision or any other awards type shows that turn music into a competition. These kind of shows are not driven solely by the quality of the music. It also reminds me that competition does not drive human motivation, at least in a positive way. On the contrary. Ingenuity does. This is why free-market capitalism to me is a false ideal. This is why the gaming strategy that drives competition leads to disconnection. The “my band/team/country is better than yours” attitude divides more than unites.
Art is about bringing people together. Not dividing.
Hence my shame in taking part in such a show especially when I knew I was doing it for promotional value and publicity (to further my career ambitions as an artist) at the expense of my integrity. I guess we can use the system or be used by the system. Just like Facebook. I’m just so sick of living in Struggleville, with this constant stress of not knowing how I will pay my rent every month. I’m willing to sell some ass, shame or no shame. As they say, economics makes cowards of us all. There is no such thing as an honest paycheck.
I felt the weight of the superficiality of this “Americanized” mass entertainment as I sat there in my place, wondering and asking myself what the hell am I even doing here? I was also astounded at how much energy and effort is put into this kind of thing. I somehow felt that all this energy and resources could be used much more wisely. There are people in need of the basics of life and here we are getting our make-up done to cover our pimples and look good on camera. I could’n help but think of Bukowski’s novel “Hollywood”, where he writes about his experiences in the film industry with similar inclinations.
I don’t even own a tv.
I’m going back to sleep.