I’m a little bit of a crazy person. I obsess over things. My moods can change drastically within one day. I’ve went to psychiatrists but everytime I step into their office I feel like they are the patients. I go to new places often and start over. This way I can have a chance at not fucking things up like I always do. When I am around people I rarely feel like myself. When I am honest, I am alone. When i’m not alone, I try to be a good person, smile, be confident and charismatic and say clever things. But sometimes I forget to tell people that their ideas suck and that I don’t want to be someone who fits in. I am better at singing about things because it’s calculated so that’s been sort of a coping strategy for me. It’s hard to make plans for the future because one moment I might love life, feel great, be inspired, be passionate and grateful and want to do great things, play my songs to everyone, work together with people and just share this beautiful gift that I have. Then the next moment I want to die and disappear and never have to sing another fucking stupid pop song again. This can happen all within a very short amount of time and it’s really annoying. The emotions are real. And intense. I don’t even think what I do is healthy. Pop culture is a sewer of abandoned fuckups that reflect the greed and poverty of the western man. And that’s another thing… health. I’ve spent so much time on internet forums, reading books, watching videos, trying and experimenting with trying to eat right, live right, think right, be right. I think it’s probably the right way to go. To be healthy and happy. But why should I want to be healthy and happy? Why the fuck does that matter? We all die. We are all dying. Sometimes I wish I was a sociopath like everyone else and just be able to enjoy my burger and coke and fries without all the regret and sorrow. Little things bother me. Like facebook. It’s fun to write this meaningless drivel, press a button and boom it’s out there for the world to read. But I worry too much that I revealed myself too much and then the next day i want to unlike everything and hide everything and digitally kill myself. I want to delete and destroy. I want that empty canvas so I can start again. I am addicted to starting again. The healthy, superman, master vs the self-destructive hedonist narcissist miserable artist. That is the war I fight. I am the casualty in between. I get nervous about playing in front of people, it’s really bad. Same with going on dates or seeing people and going to parties. That’s why I would like to take a lot of drugs and drink myself into oblivion. But this comes with consequences. These consequences are severe man. Hello world, now you see me, now you don’t. There are no words that describe how I feel. This is all meaningless. Meaning is meaningless. Turtle power!
