I have always been a very creative person. And extremely sensitive. When I was a young boy, I cried a lot. This made me feel weak and ashamed. Like something was wrong with me. Like I didn’t belong. I felt like an alien from another planet.
I was also skinny and quite feminine because I was raised by women. But I did like sports and masculine things like wrestling and fighting. And I felt attracted to girls.
I think I just lacked masculine guidance and positive role models. And I don’t mean wannabe masculinity which there was plenty of ie. men thinking they are better than women. Or better than nature. The sôvinist hunter macho stereotype. With short tempers and loud domineering voices. Heavy drinking and fast cars and owning businesses so you can be the boss and order people to do what you want.
That is not real masculinity.
I was given the opportunity to become like that. To fish and hunt and fight and drink and laugh loudly.
I wanted no part in that kind of life. Of course I didn’t really know it at the time so I wallowed in confusion and contradiction with little results to show for it.
I loved animals and I loved women. And I resonated with music and artists who were like me and sang what I felt. John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, etc.
But I also loved the hard edges. Fight Club. Porn. Drinking. Metallica. Bravado. These were easy ways to temporarily feel what power must feel like.
Some of my male peers were so ready for the world when I wasn’t. I was still a mama’s boy who had been thrown out into the harsh world amongst wolves and lions. I was the cute smiling boy who blushed easily. Of course my vulnerability attracted a lot of women. But when it came time to take things beyond the friend zone, I was insecure and lost.
When I liked a girl, I felt it intensely. It was much more than just wanting to have sex with them (although it was that too). I was in my early teens and so many things were changing. I really struggled to keep up. Even to this day, I prefer a slower pace to everything.
I felt overwhelmed and began to write songs to express my fears. Sometimes I gave them to girls I had crushes on. How embarrassing.
Slowly I built confidence and experience. I began to understand why people are the way they are. I saw through the facades. And I found fake confidence in booze.
I lied and manipulated my way forwards. I was no longer a teenager but supposedly a grown up. Yet I still felt like that little boy deep inside. The edges were too sharp and hard. Life was brutal. There was murder and rape and mayhem everywhere.
Real masculinity is a mergence with the polarities within us and beyond us. It is taking full responsibility for our lives. No more manipulation or victim-hood. The world is what I make of it. I create my own reality. I make mistakes and I pay a heavy cost to learn from them. I make sacrifices. I take risks. I fail and when I do, I am broken and torn. My suffering is a shovel that I use to dig through tunnels that lead to new depths. I am an explorer.
I believe in love. Love is my god. There is a force in the universe that keeps life moving forward. We have it within us. Man or woman. Masculine and feminine. The polarities are within us. Straight or gay. Or whatever you identify as. We are all human.
Real masculinity is kind and kindness is the sexiest thing there is. I don’t mean being nice. I mean serving your habitat. Ecologically we are all united. That is not a leftist concept. I don’t believe nor support these political worldviews of left vs right. Or west vs east. That’s all bullshit and causes more division than anything. Such labels do us no good.
There is something deeper going on behind these political mind games. Something that builds bridges and unites people who are different.
True power is recognising the sacred being in every form of life. We might not like whats on the surface. People annoy us. Certain personality types drives us nuts. But personality is just a surface level coping mechanism.
True power comes with responsibility. Otherwise it’s just another ego trip.
I want to serve my planet, my people, my partner. I want to stand up for the oppressed. And if something needs fixing or sorting out, I will make sure I go out into the world and talk about solutions instead of complaining about the problems.
True power is admitting that I am wrong and having the grace and humility to admit defeat and move on.
True power is honouring the little boy inside me who is still sensitive. And one day perhaps I will have my own little boy (or girl) and guide him. Show him/her/them what is possible.
I am finally starting to feel like a grown up. Progress has been made. Somedays I forget and my mind is in chaos. It’s important to tattoo our thoughts in some form. I prefer writing.
I am in love with reality. Jesus love. Buddha love. Rumi love. Beatles love. Shakespeare love. Bukowski love. Dark love. Angry love. Dirty love. Mysterious love. Motherly love. Fatherly love. Brotherly love. Romantic love.
True love.