I learned a very important lesson last night when I went to bed. I was in a negative state of mind which is rare these days. I let myself purposely indulge in the negative thoughts because I hadn’t done that for a long time. I was feeling ashamed that I was Finnish and I wanted to escape and I wasn’t here right now. I wasn’t present. All nonsense.
I am writing from Viking Line Isabella ship where I am working as a troubadour in the pub. I am here for 5 days and this is my 4th. The job is good, I get paid well for doing what I do best. I get paid 200€/day + all expenses e.g. food, accomodation. There is also a gym on the ship so I can workout and keep my routine pretty much. The food is okay although for an almost vegan like me there could be a little more variety. It could be much worse. The staff are mostly quite unsocial and unfriendly but they are what they are. Some of them are nice. I should maybe talk to them more.
Anyways, I learned that everytime I have a negative moment or depression, it is because something needs to change and from now on I will look at is as a constructive and thus positive thing to experience. That is quite a powerful piece of knowledge for me.
What I learned from last night was that I really have to stay away from ALL bars and discos unless I am paid to be there. They are just not my scene. I seek acceptance from people there and when I don’t get it, it affects my state of mind WAY too much. There are two problems here: a) I am seeking something instead of just accepting the situation and just let go and take it as it comes b) I don’t really want to be accepted in a scene I don’t even want to be in or apart of. Why it’s not my scene: most people are drunk, the music sucks, people are escaping into a world that I want to escape FROM. So yeah it’s time to really stop going to any club or bar. Unless of course there is actually a reason for me to be there e.g. live music, see friends, good djs, something special, unique crowd.
I am really done with being average. There are still little parts of my thinking that are average but I am doing a pretty good job of getting rid of them. It’s all about the attitude. This is a big step. One I should’ve made a long time ago. I would rather come straight into my cabin after my sets and watch Battlestar Galactica. Of course I wouldn’t mind having sex with some of the hot girls that are sometimes here but they will have to figure out a way to get to me and not the other way around as it has been thus far. I am done with seeking people’s approval. I am done with getting something out of people.
It’s 2:44Pm sunday afternoon. Next set in 30 mins. Then gym. Then food. Then F1 race from Spain where Raikkonen is starting 16th and Button is on pole.
I am thinking about living in Stockholm instead of Helsinki. Must talk to Peter about it. I realized I want to start playing duo shows with another musician e.g. guitarist or pianist for money playing covers. Made ad to use later.
Life is good.