the end of an era

My Bukowski phase is over. At least for now. Drinking excessively is too fucking expensive. Not just financially although that is the main reason. I’ve fucked two girls this summer and both times I could barely get it up because too much alcohol and cigarettes. Or maybe the girls just weren’t hot enough. Whatever. Perhaps I need better drugs. Who says a 28 year old can’t use viagra. Then I can get as drunk as I want and still fuck all night. Probably not that safe to do but I don’t care because I am not afraid of death. I have thought about it more and more lately. I just don’t want to do it myself. I also want to live. I also think about life. Lots of things I would like to do before I die. Sometimes reality and life is too much for me. But escaping is expensive as well. Everything is. The Beatles were dead wrong, money CAN buy love. and much much more. Not that I believe in love or anything…I am a nihilist who doesn’t even believe in nihilism. I’m also an anarchist but I’m too fucking lazy to rape and kill like other animals. I also don’t want to break the law. Too much stress with jail and fines and shit. I wanna be raped and killed instead. Preferably by that blonde I met last night who had to go “talk to her friends”. The classic test. Will I stay and wait for her. I left. Went home. Alone. Watched porn. Masturbated. I prefer waking up alone. Women and their fucking mind games. Oh well. My mind is a war. And I am glad it is this way. I really think people should just let themselves go. I would like that very very much. I could then be crowned king. Until then…