Saw a shrink yesterday. He was a black dude from Africa. Asked me when is the last time I got laid. Then prescribed me some pills which i am contemplating whether i should take or not (abilify and olanzapine). Before that i saw a nurse and told her she is way too attractive and this is distracting me.
Now googling whether microdosing would be better but it turns out all the long term studies say it’s a bunch of woowoo nonsense. Probably more placebo than anything else. It’s the large doses that seem to be more effective (in controlled settings).
From my experience yes large doses (trips) can be very powerful and open some new doors. They basically obliterate your ego and your heart opens or perhaps it’s more like the clouds go away and the sun (heart) shines which has been there all along. The inner joy is thus revealed. And then you feel like you love everyone and become a total hippie singing about beautiful things and everything is just fine and dandy. For awhile…
But it never lasts. What you do with that aftermath vibe is up to you. Do you make changes or go back to your old ways? Those old ways will call for you because they are what you know. Embracing the unknown is hard and the “meds” can only take you so far. They can give you a taste but it’s still not the real thing.
I have never met one human yet who has successfully entirely dropped their spiritual baggage. Instead they turn spirituality into another identity and tribe. So basically the same as before just a new dress from H&M. Spiritual materialism. Ego still running the show. And the war continues. That’s why cults never work. People are there not out of love but fear because when you operate from love, there is no longer a need for a cult or tribe. You are fine with or without it.
So after 10 years of experimentation i ask myself “have all these psychedelic trips just fucked me up even more”. It’s like i am still nowhere which is actually kind of nice considering all the bullshit most people have to deal with at my age with their annoying kids and expensive houses. Running on empty but justifying by expecting the rewards will come. They might not.
I am wise/dumb as fuck of course. Consciously incompetent in important life tasks like cooking and assembly that impress the primitive woman to make them feel biologically secure which funnily enough is the same thing that makes them feel bored to death 10 years later. I am mechanically challenged because i see spectrums where others see binaries. And i’m kind of proud of it.
It is in nothingness, laziness and lethargy where the creative ideas take shape which turn into song and painting. And in despair where the urge to make them manifest is birthed. The creative force is a kind of horniness where suffering and joy resemble the x and y of the genders (polarities). So being bipolar is essential to the artist path. Otherwise you are an imitator at best.
Yes there are moments of pure elation and skeleton shaking joy. But then weeks of black helll despair not really knowing who the hell i am and why i am here. Feel like nobody knows me. I am stranded on some prison planet that was eaten by a wormhole back in the day. So my songs are like tattoos that remind me of what this is all about. Even the instrumentals.
It’s a beautiful autumn day. The sun is out. I think nature took some shrooms. The leaves are rusting. Death is beautiful and soon a white sea will cover the lands. I am drinking my morning coffee while listening to music while squirrels are running up and down the trees probably thinking “that hairy monster is staring at us again in his cozy aparment” while we are freezing our balls out here finding shit to eat. Oh my squirrel friends if only it were that simple. You little fuckers have no idea what kind of madness I have been through to sit here in my bathrobe now in this sweet calm of a thursday september morning.
I invested in a lot of new equipment for my home studio to record songs. I am trying to record more and more without computers because I dont wanna stare at a screen all day. Previous idea of opening up all my archives abandoned due to my lack of confidence and perfectionism regarding the endeavour. Wanna focus on new content. And i was also tired of sitting on my crypto investments so i spent them all.
Need to become the kind of person who releases new songvideos every week. Writes his novel and is making his film that is like Rocky but for artists. Watched Brown Bunny last night by Vincent Gallo. That was beautiful especially the blowjob scene. So my movie will be that style combined with Jarmusch’s first film Permanent Vacation and maybe a little David Lynch vibes. Long drawn out scenes with my songs coming in and out. Looking for a female for the lead. There might be intense sex scenes. Not sure yet.
I dont know how to make a movie or how to do anything. I like not knowing. Fuck all the rules. That’s what art and creativity is all about.
Which brings me back to my original dilemma. Should i take these pills or not? I have friends on all sides of this debate. Whatever i decide, most likely i will be crucified. Unless i keep it to myself. It’s easy to fool people who want to see what they want to see. I can be anyone.
What do you want Markus?
I want you to hear all my damn songs and honestly, i miss the stage where i can let all this madness out. Then you will know who i am. Until then I am nothing but just another factory worker punching the clock and dreaming of escape. Toodeloo.
MN
